The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s Strange!”, At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. 3.) He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. After the 3rd raid, a senior detective was brought in to question the bank teller. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”. “Good,” said the man. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”. The he suddenly finished talking, looked at the judge, and said: “One of the jurors is asleep.” The judge replied: “You put him to sleep, you wake him up.”. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney. 11. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick!” The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?” POLE: “An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.” LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?” POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.” LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?” POLE: “No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge.” LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?” POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.” LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.” LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?” POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.” LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?” POLE: “She going to kill me!” LAWYER: “What makes you think that?” POLE: “I got proof.” LAWYER: “What kind of proof?” POLE: “She going to poison me. The genie replies, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for.” “Hey, I can live with that! Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”, The lawyer thought about this for a moment then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”, An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. Okay! The guy said, “It’s simple. He thought that this was a bit amusing, until another and still another pig joined the first. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. “How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer. The reason I’m here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. A: Three, One to climb the ladder, one to shake it and one to sue the ladder company. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. For now, download our logo in svg format: Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? 5. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? “Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The rest are true stories. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.”. Now the farmer’s son claimed ownership. “Tim, you go first,” she said. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. 9. So while some people may think that lawyers can’t take a joke, don’t worry, we can. “Oh, come along with me then,” said the lawyer. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”. A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Cut it out, already.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue. He looks very surprised. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarl, “Here they are!”, “Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The pain is right here. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. “To be sure, it was MY fault. Give me the good news first.". Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. On the other hand, you have different fingers. A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. Before I die, I’d like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”. 7. At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”, The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”, The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”. I hate it when the at-laws come to visit. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control? The litigator responded, "I shot a, The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him.". When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”, A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. “By proving beyond a shadow of a doubt,” replied the lawyer, “that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper.”, A mother and a daughter are visiting a deceased family member in a graveyard. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?”, Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, “Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!” Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Very much what I see here,” Dow said. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. The first burglar replied: “This is no time to be superstitious!”. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. “We got $25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. She’s going to let the County bury her!”. He was looking for loopholes. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. 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